RSSFitz Archive

A birthday bash to remember with some mighty fireworks

I don’t understand why every comedian feels the need to talk about his or her colonoscopy. To celebrate my 58th I had one and I didn’t think a…

August 17, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Never say, 'Am I in trouble?' Your life will be easier if you don't ask

The rain stopped. Over the TV coverage of the storm I heard a voice calling from the other end of our home.

August 03, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Give me your tired: Saint Sandman calls us all to the Island of Melatonin

It was one of those rare afternoons when all was right in the world. An afternoon rain had cooled the air, and the steady drip, drip, drip of …

July 27, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Cartoon glitterati crave laughs but don't clown around on deadline

As we're walking back to our hotel room my wife, Ellen, says, "You cartoonists are sooooo funny. You think you're such bad-boy rebels. But as …

July 06, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: The old man has an epiphany while turning on the kids' roasting spit

I like hunting for vacation bargains online and then bragging about all the time and effort I devoted to planning our vacation, as though I ha…

June 29, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Now, about that silicon chip in my neck - a decidedly trendy accessory

I'm always looking for ways to save money, and this week I zeroed in on my phone bill. I logged on to their website, and a little box popped u…

June 22, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Privacy, Prism, phone records: making (non)sense of NSA data-gathering

Edward Snowden looks like the kid behind the counter at Starbucks eyeing me right now. The one who wants to know what I'm writing on my laptop…

June 15, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: When FBI comes a-callin', hold yer tongue, ya ol' coot - an' you, too, witch

Item: A couple investigated for sending ricin to President Obama and other gun reform advocates accused each other of complicity during questioning.

June 08, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: When people start hallucinating about talking turtles, summer is here

Waiting to cross at Stone and Pennington, he stood there in the sun wearing a dark-charcoal, herringbone suit. He looked miserable.

June 01, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: A vat of Purell couldn't cleanse dirty feeling from watching Arias trial

The trash news media swooped down from the sky and like turkey vultures feeding on a flattened jack rabbit on an Arizona back road they nibble…

May 25, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Giggles and gratitude for first-time summer camper, chaperone

The first time I ever went to summer camp was just last week. I was a chaperone for my son Matthew, and a billion of his fellow Harelson fifth…

May 18, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Arizonapithecus tribe, found at Capitol, frets about fluoride, Kenyans

"By injecting Stone Age genes into a human embryo it will soon be possible to create a living Neanderthal."

May 11, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Our irritating columnist elegantly solves the city's pension crisis

Our city's looming pension debt is looming directly overhead these days, and even though any shade is welcome this time of year, I'm still tot…

May 04, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Mr. Wallet's Wild Ride at the Pima County Fair

The best thing about the Pima County Fair is the drive to get there. It's half way to Lordsburg, N.M. - and twice the fun - starting with an a…

April 27, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: It's sometimes tough to remember, but good always prevails

The grainy black and white images of Dealey Plaza and My Lai felt distant and other worldly on our old Magnavox.

April 20, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: War of words among the birds at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum

"Be sure to see the season finale of Raptor free flight this Sunday. After April 14, the birds will be retired for the summer as they molt and…

April 13, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Amorous guidance from the love trident of PCC's Chevy Nova of Casanovas

Lonely? Searching for that special someone? Would you like a little romance in your life?

April 06, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: We all yearn to sleep outside in bags on the dirt … don't we?

According to the sadistic manufacturers of camping tents that cannot be repacked into the tiny duffle bags they came in, this couldn't be a be…

March 30, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: And they wheel away another post-TUSD stress disorder victim

This week Superintendent John Pedicone of the Tucson Unified School District announced his resignation at a local psychiatric outpatient clinic.

March 23, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Running for a good cause, exercise and to avoid loading the dishwasher

It's time for the "Race for the Cure" and many of you are looking to me for fitness and running advice. With Sunday's 5K run in mind, I though…

March 16, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: It was a dark and stormy night in my soul - and then, there she was

Any four-eyed flack will tell you the Tucson Festival of Books is where words and imagination come to life. But on this day, for this book lov…

March 09, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: What's not to love about scrawled, spit-stained hate mail?

If you are a cartoonist, getting hate mail is like getting a bouquet of roses; the thornier the better.

March 02, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: This cowboy's been rodeoing since before chimichanga was invented

Down at the Arroyo Cafe, Preston Surface, whose name sounds like a fertilizer, was telling us about the time he was doing standup at the Chuck…

February 23, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: At Gun-damentalist Church, blessed are the Uzis, AK-47s, hollow points

I was oiling my Bushmaster when Ralph said, "Why don't you attend worship services with me this Sunday? Can't hurt, right?"

February 16, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

David Fitzsimmons: Cupid's arrow pierces 8-year-old's heart, evokes schoolyard angst

In October JFK had just brought us through the Cuban missile crisis. By February I was a third grader unsure I'd survive my own doomsday crisi…

February 09, 2013 12:00 amLoading…

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