RSSFitz Archive

David Fitzsimmons: Giggles and gratitude for first-time summer camper, chaperone

The first time I ever went to summer camp was just last week. I was a chaperone for my son Matthew, and a billion of his fellow Harelson fifth…

May 18, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Arizonapithecus tribe, found at Capitol, frets about fluoride, Kenyans

"By injecting Stone Age genes into a human embryo it will soon be possible to create a living Neanderthal."

May 11, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Our irritating columnist elegantly solves the city's pension crisis

Our city's looming pension debt is looming directly overhead these days, and even though any shade is welcome this time of year, I'm still tot…

May 04, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Mr. Wallet's Wild Ride at the Pima County Fair

The best thing about the Pima County Fair is the drive to get there. It's half way to Lordsburg, N.M. - and twice the fun - starting with an a…

April 27, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: It's sometimes tough to remember, but good always prevails

The grainy black and white images of Dealey Plaza and My Lai felt distant and other worldly on our old Magnavox.

April 20, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: War of words among the birds at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum

"Be sure to see the season finale of Raptor free flight this Sunday. After April 14, the birds will be retired for the summer as they molt and…

April 13, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Amorous guidance from the love trident of PCC's Chevy Nova of Casanovas

Lonely? Searching for that special someone? Would you like a little romance in your life?

April 06, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: We all yearn to sleep outside in bags on the dirt … don't we?

According to the sadistic manufacturers of camping tents that cannot be repacked into the tiny duffle bags they came in, this couldn't be a be…

March 30, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: And they wheel away another post-TUSD stress disorder victim

This week Superintendent John Pedicone of the Tucson Unified School District announced his resignation at a local psychiatric outpatient clinic.

March 23, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Running for a good cause, exercise and to avoid loading the dishwasher

It's time for the "Race for the Cure" and many of you are looking to me for fitness and running advice. With Sunday's 5K run in mind, I though…

March 16, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: It was a dark and stormy night in my soul - and then, there she was

Any four-eyed flack will tell you the Tucson Festival of Books is where words and imagination come to life. But on this day, for this book lov…

March 09, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: What's not to love about scrawled, spit-stained hate mail?

If you are a cartoonist, getting hate mail is like getting a bouquet of roses; the thornier the better.

March 02, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: This cowboy's been rodeoing since before chimichanga was invented

Down at the Arroyo Cafe, Preston Surface, whose name sounds like a fertilizer, was telling us about the time he was doing standup at the Chuck…

February 23, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: At Gun-damentalist Church, blessed are the Uzis, AK-47s, hollow points

I was oiling my Bushmaster when Ralph said, "Why don't you attend worship services with me this Sunday? Can't hurt, right?"

February 16, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Cupid's arrow pierces 8-year-old's heart, evokes schoolyard angst

In October JFK had just brought us through the Cuban missile crisis. By February I was a third grader unsure I'd survive my own doomsday crisi…

February 09, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Sure, I'm a sap, but this copper's made me late - and the blonde's waiting

His lights were in my rearview mirror. The local heat was on my tail like guacamole dip on nachos. I pulled into the dark side street, stopped…

February 02, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Like Tucson's own phoenix, a wonderful downtown rises anew

I counted the black berets in the audience at the Fox and stroked my soul patch. Opera glasses and silver ponytails, reeking of casitas and hy…

January 26, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Hearty Tucsonans dug out their long-sleeved shirts, corduroy flip-flops

The Northeast survived superstorm Sandy, New Orleans made it through Katrina and for one harrowing week, Tucson met the challenge of the centu…

January 19, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Freedom Picnic offers gun accessories to keep our youngest safe, armed

This is an unpaid advertisement from Freedom Picnic:

January 12, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: New Year's ideas from '7 Gems of Worthless Advice'

New Year's is all about resolutions and resolve and motivation. Which leads me to a day years ago when I was in Phoenix to address a conferenc…

January 01, 2013 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: How Santa moved to the desert and Tucson became Kringleville

"You need a scoop, a clean shirt and a shave." My editor was pounding on me like a bad eggnog hangover. "Get a clue, Sherlock Homeless. Dig up…

December 29, 2012 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: 'Desert Miracle' package: a baby boy, brightest star

You are Mary and Joseph, right? And this is Bethlehem?

December 25, 2012 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: No Founding Father intended Somalia in crafting a more perfect union

First comes the tragedy, then the funerals, and then the talking. We will lament our violent culture, give lip service to mental health and wa…

December 22, 2012 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Visions of a Hollywood deal dance in our columnist's head

I love Burl Ives and Dr. Seuss, but the classic holiday cartoons need updating. With spiced eggnog and a red nose I went to work on my ticket …

December 15, 2012 12:00 am Comments

David Fitzsimmons: Just a little primer to help our snowbirds acclimate to ... well, everything

On behalf of Tucson I want to welcome all of our winter visitors here with a hearty "Bienvenidos" - that's Spanish for, "drive faster, granddad."

December 08, 2012 12:00 am Comments

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