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TAILGATER
$218 for trailer hitch and one chair sold separately from CSN Stores Inc., 800 Boylston St., Suite 1600, Boston, MA 02199, 1-800-593-5251; www.csnstores. com/Hammaka-3004- HMKA-YT1009.html.
Here's the ultimate gift for the sports fan or complete raving lunatic, not that there is any great difference. This is a hammock-style chair that is suspended from the trailer hitch of a vehicle. So when you're tailgating at a sporting event, instead of having to sit on a regular boring chair placed on the ground, you can dangle from the back of your vehicle, making you the envy of all the other tailgaters, especially if they have been hitting the Bloody Marys since dawn. In fact, we see no reason, other than local, state and federal law, why you shouldn't just stay in your Tailgater chair and let somebody else drive you home, while you dangle in luxury. If the police stop your vehicle, just show them this newspaper article. You will surely get a reaction.

Accent

Barry's very merry gifts

By Dave Barry
Tribune Media Services
Tucson, Arizona | Published: 12.11.2007
The holiday season is a time when we should ponder the message of the classic tale "A Christmas Carol" by the great English writer whatshisname. In this story, the miser Ebenezer Scrooge, who cares about nothing but money, is visited in his house on Christmas Eve by three ghosts — the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and Vice President Dick Cheney. They make Scrooge see the error of his ways by showing him what the town of Bedford Falls would have been like if James Stewart had never been born.
Yes, the sad truth is that there are bad people out there — people who see the holiday season as an opportunity to perpetrate crimes and cruel scams on innocent victims. A good example is our Annual Holiday Gift Guide, which we publish every year in lieu of something that might actually be useful. This year is no exception. We have assembled a collection of gift concepts so unusual, so distinctive, that you will say: "You made those up, right?"
No. There is not enough eggnog in the world. All of the Holiday Gift Guide items are actual products that you can buy. We know this because we purchased them ourselves, taking care not to use our own personal money.
We are able to offer you our exclusive Holiday Gift Guide "No Excuses" Warranty, which states: "If you purchase any item from this Gift Guide, you basically have no excuses."
But enough legal boilerplate. Let's look at this year's crop of gift ideas.
TATTOO SLEEVES
$11.88 per pair, plus shipping and handling, from PrankPlace.com, 206 Murphy Road, Hartford, CT 06114, 1-800-901-1163; www.prankplace. com/ tattoo.htm.
Not long ago, people with tattoos were considered to be low-class sleazeballs. But today, millions of Americans have tattoos. What does this tell us? It tells us that millions of Americans are low-class sleazeballs.
Just kidding! It tells us that tattoos are now considered "body art" and have become fashionable.
That's why you need Tattoo Sleeves. These are sleeves that make you look as though you have tattoos all over your arms. Think of the pranks you can play! Like, say you're a non-tattooed college student with strict parents. Imagine how they'll react when you take off your jacket and they see your tattoo sleeves. They'll react by having coronary failure. So make sure your tuition is paid in advance.
Tattoo sleeves fit everyone. They cannot, however, be removed. (Ha ha!)
SEASONED SHOT
Pricing and sales information not yet available; Season Shot Inc., 10501 Florida Ave. South, Bloomington, MN 55438; www.seasonshot.com/How.cfm.
Ask yourself how many times you have made the following statement after killing a bird with a shotgun: "Gosh darn it, now I have to painstakingly remove the pellets from this bird, and THEN, in a completely separate step, I have to season the bird so I can eat it! There must be an easier way!"
If that sounds like somebody on your gift list, then you need Season Shot. It's a brilliant concept: shotgun pellets that are actually "made of … seasoning," so that you season the bird when you kill it! It's a great timesaver for sportspersons, but it could also come in handy if you, for whatever reason, take your shotgun with you when you dine at fine restaurants:
WAITER: How is your pheasant, sir?
YOU: To be honest, it's a little under-seasoned.
WAITER: Would you like me to take it back to the kitchen?
YOU: No need for that.
SHOTGUN: BLAM!
FLYING ALARM CLOCK
$19.99 plus shipping and handling from iKitchen, 256 W. 36th St., New York, NY 10018; www.ekitchengadgets.com/ teflalclpi.html.
This brilliant technological innovation is the ultimate gift for anybody who has trouble getting out of bed in the morning. This is an alarm clock with a propeller on top. When the alarm sounds, the propeller takes off and flies around the room. The only way to make the alarm go off is to get out of bed, find the propeller, and put it back into the clock. It's brilliant! And it's foolproof! Unless of course the sleeper happens to be a sportsperson.
ALARM: BUZZZZZ
SHOTGUN: BLAM!
FAKE BREATHING PUPPY
$19.99 plus shipping and handling from Casual Living, 5401 Hangar Court, Tampa, FL 33634, 1-800-652-2948; www.casuallivingusa.com/.
Americans are crazy mad for dogs. These days people take their "canine companions" with them everywhere — on airplanes, into restaurants, to the movies, into the shower, etc. They talk to their dogs all time, buy expensive merchandise for their dogs, hire psychologists for their dogs, and just generally treat their dogs like humans, only better.
The beauty of this gift item, "Almost a Real Pup," which is a semi-realistic puppy made — according to the product Web site — of "handcrafted polyester" is that it doesn't engage in any annoying dog behavior. It just lies there and — thanks to the miracle of "D" cell batteries — appears to breathe. You can talk to it just as you would talk to a real dog, and it will exhibit pretty much the same level of comprehension. If robbers come to your house, you can throw "Almost a Real Pup" at them, and it will still love you just as much as before.
PILLOW PAL
$19.95 (for set of two) plus shipping and handling, from Golden West Enterprises, P.O. Box 1390, Magalia, CA 95954, pillow-pal.net/.
How often have you said to yourself: "I need to shoot an intruder, but where the heck did I put my handgun?!" If you buy this item, you or the armed person on your holiday gift list will always know the answer: It's in your Pillow Pal!
The Pillow Pal is a "handy holster holder" that hangs next to your bed. The manufacturer says that it "might be used to hold your handgun, your stun gun, or a can of aerosol chemical agent. Or maybe you'd hang a flashlight on a belt-loop flashlight holder. Cordless or cell phones. TV or stereo remotes. Baby monitors. There are myriad possibilities with Pillow Pal."
There surely are! In fact, you might want to get more than one Pillow Pal, so that you can have quick access to both your handgun AND your remote control. But make sure you know which one you're grabbing! You wouldn't want to be pointing your remote control at a burglar, or your handgun at your TV set! Unless you're watching "American Idol."
BRA BAG
$49.95 (Canadian), plus shipping and handling from Bra(g), www.bra-g.com/ products.asp; 1-877-716-4739.
Without question one of the biggest problems facing humanity today is how to carry spare brassieres. Finally, somebody has come up with a solution: The Bra Bag, or Bra(g). According to the product Web site, the Bra Bag will hold up to six "C" cup brassieres (or "some 'D' cups"). The site also says that the Bra Bag is "so chic, you're sure to turn a few heads when carrying it!" You surely are. People notice a woman who takes brassiere transport seriously. And according to the manufacturer, this item is "so fun and funky with such a cute handle — you may even want to use the Bra(g) as a purse!" In that case, you could use your purse to carry your spare brassieres. This is an exciting time to be a lingerie owner.
TEN PLAGUES BOWLING SET
$20 plus shipping and handling from Hamakor Judaica, 7777 N. Merrimac Ave., Niles, IL 60714; 1-800-426-2567; www.jewishsource.com, search for "bowling set."
Here's a fun item for the Jewish person on your holiday gift list. This is a bowling set with wooden pins representing the 10 plagues of Egypt. Some of the plagues are a little hard to figure out, because as any artist will tell you, it's not easy to represent plagues, especially lice and boils, in the bowling-pin medium. Nevertheless, in our opinion this may be the best plague-themed bowling game on the market. Certainly it's in the top three.
HAND SOAP
$12 plus shipping and handling (har) from foliage, foliage.myshopify.com/ products/handsoap.
Is there a woman on your gift list, with "woman" defined as "a person who puts 'decorative hand soaps' in the bathroom that guests are supposed to use, so that the actual guests are afraid to wash their hands with the soap because they don't want to mess it up, so they end up either not washing at all or just wetting their hands and then drying them on their pants, because they are also afraid to use the 'decorative towels' "?
If so, then you will want to give that woman these decorative hand soaps, which are actually shaped like hands, reaching up at you in a truly creepy decorative way. No guest would dream of actually using these soaps. They will last for centuries, grasping upward in the guest-bathroom gloom.
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