"Where is Fitzsimmons? He was supposed to be here to sign his calendars!"
Recently I was the entertainment at the Pima County Sheriff’s Department awards banquet. I do it every year because they’re the good guys, the food’s decent and the stories of heroism accompanying every plaque and medal handed out remind me just how decent people can be — unlike the deputies…
Why shove your religion down your employee’s throats when you can use Hobby Lobby’s new “True Believer” throat suppositories. Coercion required!
From Catalina Stadium, here is the score at the half, Mountain Lions 2, Bighorn Rams 2 , after Az Game & Fish threw the unnecessary roughness penalty flag and shot two Lions to level the playing field.
President of Uruguay asks world to legalize the sale of weed, then points out the world could be in atom in his thumb.
Channukah? I’m so gentile I thought Chaka Khan was a Jewish holiday.When is High Cholesterol?
The Irish are the Jews of the British Isles. On Famine Day we light the Glocca Morra, bless the Guinness and exchange potatoes.
‘Some ASU good-for-nothing skunks spray-painted ‘ASU’ on our beloved Wildcat statue!” Rusty rattled the morning newspaper over his empty cup. Hand on one hip and a coffee pot in the other, Rosa poured the roasted.
Thank God Thanksgiving will be over soon so I can stop fretting about soup kitchens, food banks and hunger in America and just go shopping.
Kick off the holiday season with “Merry Twistmas, Tucson,” an original musical comedy play written by Star cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons and featuring a cast of local celebrities and actors.
Contrary to all the Plymouth Rock nonsense you were taught in school the first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1775 in Tucson at the base of “A” mountain, which was marked with a large “A” so the older relatives could more easily find the house. Padre Kino brought an adobe casserole, and Ger…
The Master Sergeant woke me with: “Get going, boy. The day’s half over!”
A recent poll of the American people by Fitzsimmons & No Associates revealed a majority of Americans believe JFK not killed by a lone gunman. Here is what the American people believe:
Any day now Toronto Mayor Rob Ford will be getting __________.
There has been much speculation about President Obama's second term and whether or not a "curse" exists. With that question in mind, I polled the preeminent scholars of the American Presidency and stumbled upon the Top Ten nicknames that historians favor when referring to a President’s seco…
Today a herd of bighorn sheep will be relocated to the Catalina Mountains. An additional herd will be relocated to the U of A Football team. UA Coach Rich Rodriguez said,"Nothing beats a good defense, and we could use some help, right? And the odds are good they'll actually graduate."
Top headlines of the week:
Notorious mob boss James 'Whitey' Bulger was sentenced Thursday to life in Congress, plus 5 years on "K" Street. Convicted of racketeering, murder, extortion, money laundering and obstruction of justice the court ruled, “ this heartless sociopath , who amassed millions, is more than qualifie…
Dear Reader and Veterans,
The dame handed me a shopping list and rubbed her wedding ring like she was rubbing a genie’s lamp. I set down my detective work, rolled back from my desk and said, “Your wish is my command, kitten.”
You know it’s autumn in Tucson when the leaves on Mt.Lemmon change colors, the traffic light you’ve been sitting at for a year changes color and my uncle Jose’s shorts change color. He likes to wear red shorts with black socks. he's what we in Tucson refer to as fashionable. Autumn is the t…
It’s a Tucson Christmas: The only snow we’ll see are cocaine busts at the border.
According to a ridiculous USA TODAY poll, the best place to view a sunset is not Tucson. We came in seventh behind Clearwater Beach, Fla.; Leland, Mich.; Albuquerque; Key West, Fla.; the Outer Banks and Puerto Vallarta.