Fitz: Eddie the Elf is always ready to help you with Christmas concerns

2013-12-24T00:00:00Z Fitz: Eddie the Elf is always ready to help you with Christmas concernsBy David Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

On this Christmas Eve, Eddie the Elf is taking over for columnist David Fitzsimmons. Eddie is here to answer your last-minute Christmas concerns and questions.

Dear Eddie:

When Santa arrives tonight why will Davis-Monthan scramble its jets?

Opie

Dear Opie:

Every Christmas Eve the United States Air Force insists on scrambling its jets in spite of the fact Santa prefers his jets sunny side up. Santa appreciates the royal welcome!

Dear Eddie:

What is a Nacimiento?

Nacho Picacho

Dear Picacho:

A nacimiento is a tiny diorama that tells the Christmas story. You can see Tucson’s most famous nativity crèche downtown at la Casa Cordoba. Some claim it is built to HO scale. Most elves will tell you it’s HO HO HO scale.

Dear Spock Ears:

What are those wreaths made out of dried bull tongues that I see people selling on the roadside? Gross.

Wisconsin Willie

Dear Willie:

Those are chiles, cheesehead. We think they’re quite festive.

Dear Pipsqueak:

Can you fit them over your pointy ears and wear them?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

I know it’s you, Wisconsin Willie. Enjoy your lump of coal.

Dear Eddie:

What was the worst holiday yard display?

Dame Edna

Dear Ed:

That’s a toss-up between the Santa-and-Miley-Cyrus-swinging-on-a- wrecking-ball-painted-white-to-look-like-a-giant-snowball display in front of the Canyon Trails Trailer Park on Wetmore, and the Pinkmans’ tasteless “Breaking Bad Santa” yard display. Parking a crummy old RV in your front yard and calling it a “Blue Christmas” is not funny, even if you throw in a Santa mannequin, with a white beard trimmed down to a goatee, who says, “I’m the one who knocks.” The “If Santa doesn’t bring you a haul — just call Saul” was unnecessary. Let’s do better, next Christmas.

Dear Eddie:

What’s a Pastorela?

Barbarella Cinderfella

Dear Barbarella:

A pastorela is a Christmas play named after Cinderella’s long lost sister, Pastorela Portobella. It’s the story of snowbirds making a pilgrimage to see the Baby Jesus and on the way they encounter the devil, four calling birds, three French hens and a member of the Partridge family who tempts them with enchanted tamales.

Dear Eddie:

You’re full of eggnog.

Barbarella

Dear Barbarella:

That’s a statement, not a question.

Dear Eddie:

What’s on your shopping list this Christmas?

Nosy in Nogales

Dear Nosy:

Twelve enchiladas, 11 lizards leapin’, 10 frying frybreads, nine stuffed piñatas, eight bowls of chili, seven swallows of Cuervo, six chimichangas, five bean burritos, four empanadas, three cow skulls, two packs of Tums and a pair of tic-kets for the lot-ter-y. Merry Christmas!

Dear Eddie:

Is that bright object in the west the Christmas Star?

Galileo Gazpacho

Dear Gazpacho:

Nope, that’s the red planet, Mars. Before you say, “Humbug” listen to this! The University of Arizona Planetary Sciences Department just revealed the astonishing results of its top secret ISMCP project, the Interplanetary Search for the Meaning of Christmas Program. In 2012 NASA landed an adorable little robot, Frosty the Rover, on the surface of the red planet where it spent a year collecting soil samples. Rumors of a tryst with Wall-e’s fembot, Eva, may have captured the headlines, but here’s the real story: A remarkable discovery was made! Mars is made of cinnamon. Furthermore, the canals of Mars once flowed with eggnog. There’s evidence the ice caps of Mars are made entirely of powdered sugar. I’d submit my elfin DNA for testing, but I can only tolerate pine needles.

Dear Eddie:

What are your last-minute gift ideas?

Pokey

Dear Pokey:

First suggestion? Pick up a calendar and a stopwatch. Where have you been the last couple of weeks? Doing the backstroke in grandpappy’s special eggnog?

You’re in luck, Rip Van Winkle, because I have just the gift ideas for you. This first one is my favorite!

  • Snowbird Seed Block. Attract winter guests to your back porch with Snowbird Seed Block. Why set out cheese, crackers and grapes for your visitors from up north when the flock can enjoy pecking away at your Maalox-flavored, granola, pumpkin, sunflower and sesame seed block. Comes laced with statins.
  • Try Pothole Survivor. Pothole Survivor is the emergency roadside kit designed just for Tucsonans. Each kit comes with rope, flares, a neck brace and enough food to last you down in the hole until Search and Rescue finds you.
  • Every desert lover will love saguaro sweaters! Your saguaro will look festive and warm in this cactus cardigan. If it’s good enough for a poodle, it’s good enough for a saguaro. Available in L, XL XXL.

Stop reading this column and get going.

Dear Eddie:

I’m a bighorn sheep and I live up on the Catalinas with my herd. I was wondering if Santa has anything in mind for us? We understand he has a soft spot in his heart for reindeer.

Ram Tough

Dear Ram:

Santa wouldn’t forget you! Check your stocking for an apple, an autographed glossy of Rudolph,  a bale of the finest oats, a nifty can of mountain lion repellent and a living Nativity shepherd to watch over your herd.

Dear Eddie:

Was Grandma run over by a reindeer?

Grandpa

Dear Grandpa:

No. She was flattened by a herd of javelina.

Walking home from Eegee’s Christmas Eve.

It was a stampede of javelinas,

That stomped her flat there in the weeds.

She drank way too much Corona,

And they begged her not to go—

That’s the last they seen of Grandma

When the wind and dust began to blow

When they found her Christmas mornin’,

Out in Tucson Mountain Park

There were hoofprints on her backside!

Them javelina had left their mark.

Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa,

He’s been really takin’ this so well.

He forgave the javelina.

But he’s still haunted by the smell.

It’s not Christmas without Grandma,

Winterhaven has gone black.

And we just can’t help but wonder

When them stinkin’ javelinas will come back.

Grandma wasn’t stomped flat by a reindeer.

Game and Fish double-checked the facts.

You can read about it in the paper:

“TOWN TERRORIZED BY PEC-CA-RY ATTACKS”

Please send your St. Patrick’s Day questions to Eddie the Elf, 11234 Snowball Lane, Green Valley.

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@azstarnet.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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